


I've Lost You

by cuddlylams (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Alexander breaks down after John dies, I appologize, Lams - Freeform, Multi, This is really sad, Tissues are needed, i cried writing this save yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:56:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9293318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/cuddlylams
Summary: Alexander Hamilton finds out that his entire world, John Laurens, was killed in battle. At this, Alexander shuts down. He finds himself going numb, desperate for breath and tragically trying to hold onto every moment and memory he has of his John. But how much time does he have left?





	

Alexander hadn't spoken since it happened. His wife, along with Angelica, had tried desperately for the past two weeks to get him to come out of his study. But he never did. He couldn't let himself be seen in the state he was in.  
His clothes were torn, bits of rage making him slowly rip them. The hems on his breeches were disheveled as he had been picking at them with the point of his quill. But that was broken now too. Everything about him was. His eyes were red and swollen so badly that he could barely keep them open. The stains of tears that were never wiped away pricked at his cheeks.  
John Laurens was dead. The very person Alexander confided in with everything his mind held. The person that he loved. Loving, Alexander found, was the most difficult sentiment presented to mankind. There were so many different ways to love someone. But the love Alexander had felt was deemed ill. No one would have it. He'd always have to tiptoe around it, always careful of what he'd write in his letters, fearful that one might end up in the wrong hands. He couldn't have a scandal like that on his hands. Plus, he didn't want John or Eliza wrapped up in something like that.

But still he wrote.

Even when John didn't write back he'd still write, he'd tell him everything. 

Now he didn't know what to do.

The words he had for John evaporated in the back of his throat and choked him every time he tried to breathe. Why did he even breathe anymore. It wasn't exactly easy. His lungs felt empty, and he couldn't catch his breath. If it wasn't for Eliza, he wouldn't mind not letting them fill. At least he'd be with his John again.

But he couldn't. He couldn't do that to Eliza when all she had ever done was care for him.

He couldn't bare to put her what he was going through.

So he sat in the furthest corner of his study, knees pulled into his chest. His whole body trembled as he stared at the floor. He never got to say goodbye.  
Alexander's head rambled through all of the mistakes he had made. Not confessing to John his true feelings, not going to visit him before he went back into the war... He cycled through these until his numb mind registered a soft knocking at the door.

"Alexander..."  
It was Eliza. Her voice as so quiet that he could barely hear her. But he could hear how broken she was. 

There was a loud noise, and then the room flooded with light. Alexander shut his eyes hard, retinas burning from the brightness. 

"Alex.. listen."

The voice was different now. This one was Gilbert's. He had shot the lock off of the door, fed up and completely freightened by how his friend was acting. 

Gilbert's arm rested on Alexander's back, causing him to tense up,

"P-please, leave me alone." his voice was wrecked. Gilbert glanced over towards Eliza and Angelica who watched wryly from the door. 

"Alexander please, we're all worried about you. Please... just... talk to us? I know J-"

"Don't you dare tell me how to feel." Alexander snapped, angrily. Gilbert flinched back, eyes wide.

"You don't understand, none of you fucking understand! You don't know what he meant to me, you don't know what we said to eachother!" Alexander was yelling at this point. His head had finally came up enough for the trio to see him. Eliza's hand covered her mouth. She didn't think he'd look as wrecked as he did. It broke her heart. She ran over quickly, going to her knees next to Alexander. She knew no words could help, not right now at least. All she did was hold him. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his back.

Alexander broke down once again. He let out a choked sob and pulled her into his chest. He held onto her as tight as he could, heart racing. All he did was cry.

He cried and cried and Eliza just stayed. She understood. She understood that he needed time, he needed to grieve and he needed someone to be there for him. She always knew that he would tell stuff to John that he wouldn't tell her. But again, she understood. He trusted John more than anyone in the world and now that he was gone, Alexander felt as if he had been striped bare. He was exposed and he felt fragile and scared. Eliza knew that this would heal. Time would heal his wounds. 

She would always be there for him.

\--

It had been two months since John's funeral. Alexander would periodically slip into quiet spells but he had gotten much better than he was the day they finally got into his study. 

Eliza was grateful for that.

But not all was well. One night, Alexander's mind was penetrated by a nightmare. His dreams about John were always happy. 

This one was the contrary.

It caused Alexander startled himself awake, he choked. Tears were once again streaming down his face. He was loud enough to wake Eliza, who grew more and more concerned as she looked at him,

"Alexander what's wrong?" 

"I don't remember it." he said shakily, clutching at the blankets at his lap.

"What can't you r-"

"His voice, Eliza I.. I can't remember what he sounded like.. I-" he began to grow hysteric, crying so hard his words were no longer tangible. Eliza just looked at him. 

She no longer knew what to do. The idea of John's voice was the only thing he had been hanging onto as of late. If that was gone, she didn't know what he'd do. Alexander was scared, and Eliza couldn't help but be scared too. 

Her Alexander had reached his breaking point. For the first time in her life, she didn't know how to help him. 

She was heartbroken.


End file.
